I’m a good looking guy who has had a lot of success. I’ve been in a lot of movies, I have a beautiful actress girlfriend and I can sing and dance. Well, I don’t have to tell you - I think you saw my acting chops in High School Mu-… my movie. Anyway I’ve been going through something strange. A few years ago, I found out that my girlfriend had taken naked pictures of herself and they were being circulated around online. What a hoebag! Luckily I forgave her because I’m a cool guy, see. Also, my face is made out of wax so I can’t show any emotion whatsoever besides ‘suave’.
Anyway since then my ego has taken a major turn for the worse and the only thing that makes me feel better is to put on women’s clothing. It started out innocently enough, you know, lacy bras, frilly garter belts and that sort of thing. Now, I go out with hooker heels and a huge wig at night, and I don’t know how to stop it!! What do I do?
Dear Star of High School Mu-… I mean that movie,
NO WAY. NO FUCKING WAY. I say, why only go out at night? There’s nothing wrong with being a transvestite or a transsexual, Megan Fox has been doing pretty well. Why be shackled by society’s expectations?! Why be oppressed by the image that screaming preteen girls have painted of you?! Why be put into this box that the industry has made for you?!? GO INTO THE DAYTIME AND REVEAL YOUR INNER WOMAN!!! LUXURIATE IN THE FEEL OF THE SUNLIGHT ON YOUR MADE-UP WAXY FACE!!! BE FREE MY MUSICAL FRIEND! FREEEE!!!
We’d appreciate it if you could send in an e-mail stating when you’d like to do this so we can properly track down your fans and record them crying when they find out their idol is a transvestite - teehee.