Penguinprostitution & Najmetender

That’s an excellent question but it’s really none of your fucking business, is it?

Pimp My Secret presents a special audio post -  a real e-mail from a real person.

i hope u r happy now! ___ is off fb and dsnt answr my calls n sms! 

i dnt kno wat he sees in u he has mny pretier girls thn u in his life n he picks u out of dem all! i dnt get it!

u look lke a tramp mayb dats how u got him 2 like u so much by sedusng him? i thnk ur da type dat flrts wid mny guys and gud knws wat

else u do wid dem! n it pisses me off dat ___ cnt c dis n he says nice thngs abt u but now u kno how i rly feel! i kno we hate each othr  

n i dnt care wat u say! hes da nicest guy i kno n i hope he opens his eyes n c da persn u rly r b4 he hrts himslf! i hope u get wat u

dsrve n brn in hell wrld is a beta plce widout u!

no. 

let’s try that again. 

in english, please. 

t

Dear Bitches,

The most awful thing happened! You’ll never guess! I’m barely 15 and I got raped. Well, almost. He’s twenty-something. I’m so scared now. I’m so scared to take the lift. I’m so scared to walk alone but I don’t know what to do so I just blog about the experience and steal lyrics off of Kurt Cobain and let the interwebs think I’m some poor tortured girl. I feel so violated. I want to die. I want to be fixed but I can’t be fixed. I hate boys. I’m such a lousy lover.  

ES

Dear Empty Slut,

Boo fucking Hoo, you little whore. You blog about your underage sexcapades so openly so we’re finding it kind of difficult to believe you. If whatever the fuck you’re saying is really true (because it sounds like one big ball of lies, sweetheart), file a goddamn report or tell a goddamn adult(one who’s reliable) but for fuck’s sake, stop being an attention whore. 

Bless Off 

PS: You make it really hard for us to be sympathetic. 

Dear Tumblr Sheep,

There’s a fine line between twisted humour and distasteful humour and no-one-but-you-finds-this-funny humour. No, you know what. We’re not even going to be kind. There’s a fucking huge GAP, as wide as your momma’s legs when she’s flat on her back, between twisted humour and distasteful humour and ‘no-one-but-you-finds-this-funny humour. And 97% of you manage to cross this HUGE GAP effortlessly every single time you think you’re being funny.

For fuck’s sake, you are not funny. Stop trying. 

Bless off 

Dear Bitches, 

I really want to go for the Tumblr Meetup but I’m afraid. I really want to see you bitches but I’m afraid you two will be mean to me and make fun of me and embarrass me in front of everyone. I really want to be your friend but I’m afraid you two won’t like me. 

Scared 

O, sweetie. 

You don’t have to go to the Tumblr Meetup to be ridiculed. We are already mean to you but you’re too much of a cumbubble to realise this. We make fun of you on a regular basis but you’re too much of a blithering twat to even notice. And we don’t have to embarrass you in front of everyone. You do that on your own. Don’t worry about us not liking you. We don’t and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

Bless Off

PS: See you at the Meetup!

Dear Bitches,

I really really think you girls are cool so I read your personal blogs and like every single post even though I don’t understand everything you write about. I try so hard to write like you girls and I really really try to think like you too. But you girls won’t give me the time of day. Why? I love y’all so much. I just want to be like y’all! Is that so wrong? Why won’t y’all follow me back and like my posts and be my friend? Why? 

Pickle

Dear Cuntface,

You’re not us. You’re too fucking stupid to try to be us. You’re too fucking ridiculous to think you can even associate yourself with us. Stop embarrassing yourself and GTFO while you still can or things are going to get really ugly when we stuff a thousand gerbils up your ass.  

Bless Off